Poker Face

I think that I have finally figured out what has been keeping my clearly exhausted body functioning at a somewhat acceptable pace. It's not the Adderall, the No Doz, or the 5 Hour Energy drinks. If I really wanted to sleep, I would lay out and go to sleep like I did the other day when I was cracked out on those anti-sleep aids.

I think the reason I have not been able to force myself to sleep is based mainly on the fact that I am doing so poorly in school this semester, and I regret every day that I made the irresponsible decision not to attend my classes and cram a month's worth of material into my short-term memory the night before the exam. What the hell was I thinking? Every day this week, I have been trying to convince myself that "If I just stay up one more night, I'll be able to raise my grades up before the semester ends. Just one more all nighter, and I will be okay." However, all I have been doing is wearing myself thin and stressing myself out to the point that my panick attacks are coming back at full force.

I hate feeling this way because I know that I can do so much better for myself. I deserve to treat myself better. I have to stop looking back on my really fucked up past and look a bit more steadily toward the things that I am somewhat capable of controlling. I have been seeing various counselors and attending anger management on and off for a really long time now (since I was 17), and I am in total agreement that every session helps a little bit more. However, the one thing that sincerely bothers me is the fact that I don't see these people as my friends. Yes, I know. They know EVERYTHING about me and are totally cool with it, but that is what is expected of them in order to receive their own positive reinforcement: compensation.

This semester I've made some extreme progress by going out on a whim and making some of my past life experiences known to two of my best friends. It's really difficult for me to do since I trained myself to keep my mouth shut and go about each day like nothing ever happened for the majority of 21 years on this complicated Earth. My goal for the rest of this semester is to have more serious conversations every once in a while and actually talk about my past and my insecurities with a another good friend that I trust or maybe even just someone who is not so much connected to my network of friends, not a stranger like the counselor(s), just someone who doesn't know me as well. I just want people to start to realize that I am a real person with real feelings and real fucking problems.

I have been drinking all day. I am drinking because I'm hurting. I'm hurting because it's just one of those weeks where everything is just not quite right with me. It happens. I just wish it wasn't fucking happening during the same time that I need to focus the very most!

FML once more.