Bottle and a Gun

I'm supposed to be getting work done right now, but I have something on my mind that I need to get out.

I went to the hot tub tonight with two of my best friends. We were put in a situation to where we had to share the hot tub with another group of people. My friends are both white, the other group two blacks and a Hispanic. Well, you can just sit such a small space with strangers and not converse with one another. One of the black guys poked fun at the white people and brought up random stereotypes about white people. I could tell my friends were getting defensive. I smiled.

Later, I was alone with one of my friends, and he was upset and said, "Those people were so racist. I can't believe they had the nerve to say those things[...]" I smiled again, looked him straight in the eyes, and said, "I loved it. They were making fun of you two, and it was refreshing because the majority of the time I'm the one who is put into those kinds of situations, especially here in College Station." We talked about it for a little bit, and it ended with an apology from him. "I'm sorry if I ever have put you in the situation where you're uncomfortable or frustrated like that." I responded, "Don't apologize. I just want you to be aware. I let stuff like that roll of my shoulders."

Clearly, there are more whites residing in College Station than blacks, and coming from a private, Christian school equated to the same thing. I have always expected to have a majority of white friends, classmates, and professors. Along with that, I also have always expected to be put in a lot of somewhat uncomfortable situations that I will just have to let go. I have heard my friends use the n-word (not directed at anyone in particular) or make a joke about black people or comment about a place being "ghetto" or "scary" because there are a lot of black people. Most of the time it's something I can easily blow off, but when I'm around people who I don't know or do it consistently, yes, I do get offended but I move on from it. If I got mad every time someone said something a little "off" about me or my skin color, I would not be friends with the people who have gone out of their way to help me when I needed them. Some of them are even the same race as me! Hell, I pick on my friends.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that jokes are meant to be funny. We all make jokes and unless you would like to stop making jokes yourself, don't get too upset when the jokes on you. It's not worth it to dwell on something as intangible as words. There are much more important things to worry about. Learn to pick your battles.

I realized today that I am always on the ball when it's not my game to play. I'm unorganized and always confused when it comes to the tasks that I need to complete in my own life, the epitome of slacker. When it comes to others, I do such a good job of swooping in and getting all of their shit together. Why can't I do the same for myself? Maybe, I subconsciously don't care enough about my own well-being?

I can't sort out the rest of my thoughts on this for some odd reason. I'm always thinking about a million and one things at once. I hate this feeling.

P.S. I'm listening to Billy Ray Cyrus song right now thanks to Tory.

Day and Night

Happy 4-20! :)

When To Peace Out

These are just a few things that would make me leave a party no matter what. I chose these five things based off of my experiences in the past with partying every night and getting into trouble.

Tension
If there is a lot of tension brewing between party guests, I think that its time to leave. A fight could potentially break out, and I would not want to be a part of it like I've been in the past. Fighting is not fun.

Hard Drugs
I refuse to stay at a party with hard drugs present.

Po-po on the way
If the police are on the way, it's time for me to peace out. I don't want to end up getting arrested for contributing or a PI. That just would not be cool after I spent so much money getting myself out of that DWI freshman year.

Everyone is way too drunk
If everyone is way too drunk, that would be a good time to find a ride home. Drunk people either become destructive or horny. I just don't want to get myself in a bad situation that I would regret the next morning.

Shady people arrive
I'm gone.

Poker Face

I think that I have finally figured out what has been keeping my clearly exhausted body functioning at a somewhat acceptable pace. It's not the Adderall, the No Doz, or the 5 Hour Energy drinks. If I really wanted to sleep, I would lay out and go to sleep like I did the other day when I was cracked out on those anti-sleep aids.

I think the reason I have not been able to force myself to sleep is based mainly on the fact that I am doing so poorly in school this semester, and I regret every day that I made the irresponsible decision not to attend my classes and cram a month's worth of material into my short-term memory the night before the exam. What the hell was I thinking? Every day this week, I have been trying to convince myself that "If I just stay up one more night, I'll be able to raise my grades up before the semester ends. Just one more all nighter, and I will be okay." However, all I have been doing is wearing myself thin and stressing myself out to the point that my panick attacks are coming back at full force.

I hate feeling this way because I know that I can do so much better for myself. I deserve to treat myself better. I have to stop looking back on my really fucked up past and look a bit more steadily toward the things that I am somewhat capable of controlling. I have been seeing various counselors and attending anger management on and off for a really long time now (since I was 17), and I am in total agreement that every session helps a little bit more. However, the one thing that sincerely bothers me is the fact that I don't see these people as my friends. Yes, I know. They know EVERYTHING about me and are totally cool with it, but that is what is expected of them in order to receive their own positive reinforcement: compensation.

This semester I've made some extreme progress by going out on a whim and making some of my past life experiences known to two of my best friends. It's really difficult for me to do since I trained myself to keep my mouth shut and go about each day like nothing ever happened for the majority of 21 years on this complicated Earth. My goal for the rest of this semester is to have more serious conversations every once in a while and actually talk about my past and my insecurities with a another good friend that I trust or maybe even just someone who is not so much connected to my network of friends, not a stranger like the counselor(s), just someone who doesn't know me as well. I just want people to start to realize that I am a real person with real feelings and real fucking problems.

I have been drinking all day. I am drinking because I'm hurting. I'm hurting because it's just one of those weeks where everything is just not quite right with me. It happens. I just wish it wasn't fucking happening during the same time that I need to focus the very most!

FML once more.

Love Lockdown: My Rules For Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

I just found this website called Plinky that seems pretty cool. It gives you daily prompts that you can answer and post on your blog. Go here to see my page: http://www.plinky.com/people/christinamarie

Trust
I absolutely cannot stand to watch a couple fight because they do not trust each other. If they can't manage to let their significant other have a life of their own and trust that they are not going to go behind their back and cheat, then what is the point of the relationship exactly?

Spontaneity
Sticking to the same daily routine with a significant other is very BORING! Just the thought of every date being to the movies or having sex the same way every night makes me shudder.

Time Apart
If you cannot be apart from someone for more than a day then maybe you should question whether it's a good idea that you are in a relationship at all. I think that a good relationship means that you can be apart and be awesome, but together you can be amazing.

Untouched

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

This song describes my sexual frustrations with this guy that I have been hanging out with for the past two months. I like him a lot, but then there's my whole issue with letting people in and trusting them, especially men. After coming home from the bar last night, I laid on the floor with my best friend, and we talked about it. I did not realize how truly afraid I am until I started crying which is a rarity. I'm going to have to think more on this later when I'm not so tired.

On a more happier note, today is Good Friday--I have the day off from school, and I just so happened to get the night off from work. I love days when I can just sit around and do nothing for hours, dance around naked, and sleep until it's time to go out at night.

Sober

I gave up drinking for the week at least. I'm sure no one believes that I'm actually going to hold out, but it's not the first time I've done it. I desperately need to allow myself an adequate amount of sleep and relaxation. I have overslept and missed class so many times this semester that I'm very surprised that I'm still passing everything. Oh yeah, I'm cramming for two exams that I have on Wednesday as I type this. Good job, Christina.

I no longer want to just get by. I have really fucked up my junior year, and let myself become more influenced by others. That's not like me at all. People used to look up to me because I could juggle a job, still make great grades, and have an awesome social life. I am ashamed of myself for being so careless and irresponsible these past two semesters. I feel sick to my stomach thinking of how I wasted two semesters of tuition due to slacking off and not even attempting to make changes. You would think since I am the one paying for school, I'd be a lot more focused, but no...

I made a 38 on that business legal environment exam. I'm more than likely going to have to take the class for a third time because Ds do not satisfy my minor requirements. I love how I managed to do well in every hard class I've attempted, but I cannot get past this damn sophomore level management class. I'm so smart...lahjgjslxyvyf!2@$%

Things to do:
Change study habits / quit pulling all-nighters unless absolutely necessary
Start going to all scheduled classes and avoid falling asleep no matter how ridiculously boring the lecture gets
Potentially find a new job that doesn't interfere too much with school and my happiness. Ha!
Go on a date that does NOT involve a bar or club.
Learn how to do a back handspring correctly so I can finally stop hurting my back.
Stop skipping Latin mix dance class on Sundays with Kristen.
Figure out my new degree plan and projected graduation date.
Convince my cousin to let me sign my lease at the Lofts for the next year.
Send presents to my godsons just because.
Talk to my fucktard brother for the first time in over a year.
Pay utilities and cable/internet bills on time.

Number 1

I was supposed to make great grades this semester. Instead, I run the risk of failing for the first time in a long time. I have too much left on my plate, and I'm already pretty damn full. Sometimes I resent my parents for not being capable of helping throughout my college career then I feel immensely guilty. I envy every single one of my friends who get total financial support from their parents.

Thoughts and anxieties:

• My rent has not been paid.
• I'm going to fail an important exam today.
• I have not had much sleep, and I'm living off Adderall and 5-hour energy.
• I am so lonely living by myself.
• I can't wait for this semester to be over.
• I need to stop using alcohol to make myself forget.
• I am upset that I have to work every day.
• I owe TAMU $350 that I do not have.
• My cable and internet bill is two weeks late.
• I wish the neighbor's dog would shut the fuck up!
• I want to move back to Houston or Austin.
• The sound of the wind hitting the trees is irritating me.
• My apartment looks like a hurricane just blew through.
• I want to tattoo something around my right nipple.
• I can't stand my boss.
  

Ok, all better. Ha!