:(
Friday, June 19, 2009
Crazy
This week has been something. I had to deal with a coworker that was bringing me down with her constant negativity. I gave a speech on a topic that I normally wouldn't openly discuss. I went to the ER only to be told they didn't know why my body was going crazy. I slept a day away then failed a test the next day. Now I'm sitting here with my bottle of rum drinking it all away... until tomorrow at least.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sex and Death 101
After work last night, Molly and I decided to have a beer and began to watch a movie on my Netflix called Sex and Death 101. I know they were trying to make a statement, but it really bothered me how people were literally dropping dead in the same fashion that a handful of my friends did last year (i.e. the breaking of the neck). I could barely sleep last night. All I could think about was the chances of that happening again to my loved ones or even me. I don't think I could bare to have any one else that I care about take a permanent leave from life. Death is so final. There is no going back, no second chances or reset button, and that just scares me shitless.
[Kinda off topic...]
This is one of the reasons that I am not religious anymore. I still believe that there is a God, but I do not devote my entire life to the church anymore.. Whether my time on this earth be long and prosperous or short and sweet, I want to be able to experience as much as possible. I feel like involving myself so much in the church when I was younger was good for me, but now I want to be free from guilt when I delve into areas that are more secular. Things that the church would look down upon but are not necessarily wrong. For example, I have a lot of piercings. I like my piercings. I got them for me; they don't hurt anyone. However, if anyone from my old youth group, school, or dad/dad's side of the family found out about where some of these piercings are located, they would immediately condemn me 1) for desecating my body and 2) for being so "liberal."
Back to the movie, like I said before I know that they were trying to make a statement. The antagonist in the movie was killing men that had done wrong to women. They showed how she was being sexually abused by her husband in the bedroom by being forced to role play and hurt during those acts. Then they showed a man talking to a little girl on the bench of a sidewalk, insinuating that he was a child molestor. I try not to let something like that bother me, but it does. The sight of seeing a child being lured in makes me incredibly sick. I try really to blow it off because it's not like the movie was real. On the same token, that does really happen all of the time. Any kind of sexual abuse is horrible, and I strongly believe any person responsible for that kind of disrespect does not deserve to live.
Done. I feel better now.
[Kinda off topic...]
This is one of the reasons that I am not religious anymore. I still believe that there is a God, but I do not devote my entire life to the church anymore.. Whether my time on this earth be long and prosperous or short and sweet, I want to be able to experience as much as possible. I feel like involving myself so much in the church when I was younger was good for me, but now I want to be free from guilt when I delve into areas that are more secular. Things that the church would look down upon but are not necessarily wrong. For example, I have a lot of piercings. I like my piercings. I got them for me; they don't hurt anyone. However, if anyone from my old youth group, school, or dad/dad's side of the family found out about where some of these piercings are located, they would immediately condemn me 1) for desecating my body and 2) for being so "liberal."
Back to the movie, like I said before I know that they were trying to make a statement. The antagonist in the movie was killing men that had done wrong to women. They showed how she was being sexually abused by her husband in the bedroom by being forced to role play and hurt during those acts. Then they showed a man talking to a little girl on the bench of a sidewalk, insinuating that he was a child molestor. I try not to let something like that bother me, but it does. The sight of seeing a child being lured in makes me incredibly sick. I try really to blow it off because it's not like the movie was real. On the same token, that does really happen all of the time. Any kind of sexual abuse is horrible, and I strongly believe any person responsible for that kind of disrespect does not deserve to live.
Done. I feel better now.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman
It is about that time again...
It is time for me to cut myself off from my family again. I'm not talking about my immediate family, but everyone else needs to leave me alone for the time being with the exception of a select few I cannot stand to be scolded and told what I need to do like I'm their child. Now if it were my parents telling me this, I would not be bitching about it since they are my parents after all. I always take whatever opinions or concerns they have regarding my life into consideration because they know how to approach me for the most part.
Faye, my first cousin from my dad's side, is a meddling, judgmental bitch. I was slightly warned of this by her sister and a few others, but I wanted to give everyone a chance since I was just getting to know that side of the family. When I first met her she was nice, very spiritual and asked a lot of questions; however, it was not annoying. Since I let her get to know me a bit more personally, all she has done is butt into my life and try to control me. I'm grateful for the things she has given me, but I do not think that it's reasonable for her to demand that I do or refrain from doing certain things.
I'm 22 fucking years old dammit! I'm learning how to transition from being a young adult to a "regular" adult. I appreciate advice and contructive critism. I really do but I also want to make my own mistakes and learn for myself. I feel like I can't do those things with that bitch standing over my shoulder. So, snip snip, I'm going to go back to doing my own thing. I feel like when I let her in I lost control of my life. I hate depending on people, and I now depend on her. That will change after this month though.
When I moved to College Station in 2007, I was able to help out with a huge chunk of my $1300/month rent that semester, then when I decided that I was ready to take care of myself, my parents backed off, and I made do just fine. I moved to a nice but less costly apartment, worked 2 jobs, paid all my bills, made awesome grades that got me into A&M, and still had an awesome social life. Now, I barely even want to be here anymore. I like school, work, and spending most of my time with my best friends. It's just that I don't seem to have the same spark. I want to be excited about the things I do and not afraid to try something just because I might fail. I want to go back in time a couple years and relive those moments where I fucked up big time, but I jumped right back in the game with a positive mindframe.
Man do I miss those days...
It is time for me to cut myself off from my family again. I'm not talking about my immediate family, but everyone else needs to leave me alone for the time being with the exception of a select few I cannot stand to be scolded and told what I need to do like I'm their child. Now if it were my parents telling me this, I would not be bitching about it since they are my parents after all. I always take whatever opinions or concerns they have regarding my life into consideration because they know how to approach me for the most part.
Faye, my first cousin from my dad's side, is a meddling, judgmental bitch. I was slightly warned of this by her sister and a few others, but I wanted to give everyone a chance since I was just getting to know that side of the family. When I first met her she was nice, very spiritual and asked a lot of questions; however, it was not annoying. Since I let her get to know me a bit more personally, all she has done is butt into my life and try to control me. I'm grateful for the things she has given me, but I do not think that it's reasonable for her to demand that I do or refrain from doing certain things.
I'm 22 fucking years old dammit! I'm learning how to transition from being a young adult to a "regular" adult. I appreciate advice and contructive critism. I really do but I also want to make my own mistakes and learn for myself. I feel like I can't do those things with that bitch standing over my shoulder. So, snip snip, I'm going to go back to doing my own thing. I feel like when I let her in I lost control of my life. I hate depending on people, and I now depend on her. That will change after this month though.
When I moved to College Station in 2007, I was able to help out with a huge chunk of my $1300/month rent that semester, then when I decided that I was ready to take care of myself, my parents backed off, and I made do just fine. I moved to a nice but less costly apartment, worked 2 jobs, paid all my bills, made awesome grades that got me into A&M, and still had an awesome social life. Now, I barely even want to be here anymore. I like school, work, and spending most of my time with my best friends. It's just that I don't seem to have the same spark. I want to be excited about the things I do and not afraid to try something just because I might fail. I want to go back in time a couple years and relive those moments where I fucked up big time, but I jumped right back in the game with a positive mindframe.
Man do I miss those days...
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