Blame It On the Alcohol?

I think people that use alcohol or a hangover as an excuse are dumb! In that case, everything I've done in the past few years was really just the alcohol's fault not mine. I strongly believe that if a person is mature enough to drink and makes the decision to get belligerently drunk, they should own up to the outcome(s) of their actions.

I recently made a really bad decision while I was out drinking with friends. I put my feelings for moment before common sense. Now I am forced to wait nervously to see if I've really, really fucked up. It was no one or thing's fault but my own, and you know what? It sucks, but oh fucking well! I still have to deal with it. I'm not going to be an immature mothaf-er like some people I know and write it off as being a drunk ass.

Anyways...

APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU'VE FUCKED UP!

That is all.

Running Back

Finals week was crazy. I deprived myself of sleep to the point that I became delirious and began to hallucinate to Molly's amusement. I fell into a wall, thinking I was falling over a cliff, and I saw a little man run across the table. Immediately after finals were over, a sane person would have slept as much as possible but not Christina. I went out Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night with my friends.

Wednesday night, I was so exhausted that I blacked out for a huge part of the night and couldn't remember traveling across town to bring a friend a cheeseburger. (Yeah, I know, WTF?) Thursday night, I got drunk and cried my eyes out for the first time in a long time after my day off to see my family was taken away (Friday). So Friday, I spent the whole day pissed off, danced my ass off that night, and fell into a deep sleep at the worst possible time. During my shift on Saturday, I ended up passed out cold on the bathroom floor and woke up lost and disoriented. At first I thought I had a seizure (I've had them in the past), but I'm 90 percent sure that it was just my body saying "Get some sleep you fucking idiot!"

Well, I've gotten loads of sleep since then but it hasn't improved anything. I'm still really bitchy and irritable, not the same kind of bitchy and irritable mood that has landed my ass in anger management, but it's still pretty bad. As someone who has dealt with anger issues pretty much everyday of my life, I can easily sense when my friends find me unpleasant to be around. I hate when I can't just let myself enjoy life and ignore the little things. I hate bringing down the mood because something as small as a stranger being an asshole to me caused my panties to get in a wad. It's not fair to my friends nor is it fair to me. Instead of moving forward, I feel as if I'm slowly reversing all of the progress I've made these past few years. I need to stop and reevaluate.

I have more on my mind, but I don't feel like being on the computer anymore. I would much rather read and get some more rest.

Panic Song

I had a panic attack and loss my temper while I was at work on Saturday. I am just fed with the way my life is going at the moment. I quit being rational for a moment, and just let myself go off.

It started with me getting upset at work because I wasn't making any sales. This caused me to think about money and school and my reasoning behind staying in this boring ass town, etcetera.  I knew what was coming next. I decided to take a walk to the food court as an attempt to clear my head. Bad fucking idea! I ended up making a fool of myself in front of a large crowd of people. First, I had a panic attack then I proceeded to call my mother and had a fit of rage. The more I tried to take control, the worst it became.

I don't know about anyone else, but my panic attacks are indescribable. When I have them, I lose all sense of reality. I usually don't connect the experience as a panic attack until I see the shocked looks on the faces of strangers, my friends, and sometimes my family. I absolutely hate having to explain what the hell they just witnessed so I make these desperate attempts to control my anxiety which makes things even worse.

I have a lot to get done this week. There's finals to be studied for and plans to be made for next semester. I also have to work 36 hours on top of that. I'm not too upset about that because I need the money, but damn, why the same week of finals? Ah!

After all of this is over, I'm going to treat myself to something like an erotic massage or a male stripper named Shaft... Yep, sounds like a plan to me.